We can call this the latest New Year’s Resolution post ever… but as you know, I’ve been a little busy.
Each year, like most bloggers around, I choose a word to really focus on, a word that when looking back I hope will really encompass what that year was all about.
“Trusting in God’s timing and bigger purpose for my life.
Trusting in my own abilities and the passions I have been given.
…and trusting in love, that it will continue to find a way to express itself through my life and actions.”
I am a firm believer that God has quite the sense of humor.
I would consider myself a fairly uptight person. I consider myself uptight in the sense that I have a lot of anxiety over plans and changes that are out of my own control… I know that’s not unusual, but I take things to the next level.
My parents like to tell people that when I was younger they would not inform me about upcoming vacations until the night before we left because I would get so much anxiety thinking about it beforehand, I would completely stress myself out.
Now fast forward a bit and you can imagine the anxiety and stress that I had to overcome when it came to huge life changes such as leaving for college, graduating college, entering “the real world,” and even getting married… I was such a wreck.
When I chose my word for 2014 I was hoping to let go of that need for control. I was tired of living my life full of anxiety and fear. Yes, I trusted that God’s plan was bigger than my own, but not knowing exactly what those plans were terrified me. I wanted to let go and trust.
…and then I got pregnant. Like I said, God has quite the sense of humor.
If there were ever a time to stress out and be anxious about the future, pregnancy would be that time… or so you’d think. Early on in pregnancy I stumbled across this blog post, included were these 10 scriptures for fighting fear in pregnancy…
I found myself throughout pregnancy reading these verses over and over again whenever I felt that fear creep in… it really helped!
Of course I had moments of anxiety and my fair share of tears still, but I honestly was shocked at how I handled things. Even Zack noticed that I seemed to be a lot more relaxed than he expected. Though I was seriously sick through the entire pregnancy, but maybe just maybe that was also part of God’s plan to keep me trusting Him, at least I certainly didn’t have the energy to Google every little sign and symptom like I normally would have. :)
God was showing me through my pregnancy (and 44 hours of labor) that He was, and always will be, in control. He was giving me the gift of knowing things were out of my own hands in an extreme way… and if I chose to trust, the anxiety and fear would slip away.
I don’t want JJ to grow up and be fearful of the future. I pray every day that he will have a strong heart for Jesus and that he will seek Him with his whole heart… and you know what? Through these prayers for him I am learning to let go of my own fear in return.
Sure I still have tough days, I am by no means perfect… but I truly feel like I have made leaps and bounds since last year.
2014 was a rough year in the sense that I grew a lot. But those scary moments full of insecurity and doubt tend to be the ones that God changes our hearts the most, and in the best kinds of ways.
And for all this, I am truly thankful.